Monday, October 03, 2005

 

Picking the Playoffs -- Doomed Giants Fan Edition

Most bloggers predict the winners of the playoffs using criteria such as a team's starting rotation, detailed matchup statistics, and historical data. It is a severe test of one's baseball savvy, not to mention a time-consuming procedure. Since I have neither savvy nor spare time, I will not do that.

Instead, I'm going to handicap the playoffs based on one factor, and one factor only: which results will cause the most agony for Giants fans. I believe this revolutionary method of prognostication will spread throughout the Internet by lunchtime tomorrow.

NLDS: Padres vs. Cardinals Naturally, the Padres will sweep the Cardinals. Giants fans will cringe, knowing that with another month of Barry, the Giants would have easily overtaken the Padres and won the NL West. Since the Padres swept the Cards, the Giants should have won the series in two games.

NLDS: Braves vs. Astros The Braves have a ton of great young talent, most of which they got through the draft. Since Giants fans have been clamoring for such an approach for years, the Braves will defeat the Astros 3 games to 1.

ALDS: Chicago vs. Boston No doubt about it. A.J. Pierzynski doesn't ground into any double plays, but hits six home runs while sharing tender moments with "El Duque" as they meticulously go over the hitters in the dugout. Afterwards, A.J. will take El Duque out for a ride in his car, so they can experience his sweet mobile entertainment system. White Sox win in 5.

ALDS: New York vs. California/Anaheim/L.A/Cabo San Lucas In a rare pre-game press conference, Vladimir Guerrero reveals his deep desire was really to play for the Giants all along. "I offered to defer 95% of my salary until 2020, too!" his translator reports. "I guess I will have to win my World Series here, instead." Guerrero then repeats Reggie Jackson's classic 3-homer performance in every game. Clutch performances by Jeter, Giambi and A-Rod keep it close, though. Angels win in 5.

NLCS: Atlanta vs. San Diego Are you kidding? San Diego wins each game by one run. The Padres win the pennant! The Padres win the pennant! Giants fans are certain they would have swept the Braves in two games.

ALCS: Chicago vs. Anaforniaheim In a shocking upset, the Guerrero-led Angels fall to the surging Chicago White Sox. Giants fans are unsure what to think, as they had pinned all their hopes and fears on Vlad.

World Series: Chicago White Sox vs. San Diego Padres In a thrilling, tense seven-game series, the Chicago White Sox win the World Series! Giants fans grimace as A.J. Pierzynski is showered in champagne and sloppy kisses from the entire White Sox pitching staff. Giants fans wince when they remember the Giants are better than the Padres, and therefore should have won the Series. The ghosts of "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, Kevin Costner's dad, and Anakin Skywalker smile silently in the White Sox dugout, while Ewoks celebrate with fireworks.

Then FOX flashes the following graphic on the screen:

UPDATED: LONGEST WAIT FOR WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONSHIP

Chicago Cubs          1908
Cleveland Indians     1948
San Francisco Giants  1954

The Bay Area then ceases to function as millions of Giants fans simultaneously suffer nervous breakdowns.

Jefferson 2:08 PM

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