Friday, May 27, 2005

 

Spiders Are Spying

You are probably an information junky. So am I. You are probably a Giants fan. So am I. Combine those two unhealthy obsessions, and you are left with a burning desire for news about the Giants.

Now there's a spider that gives us up-to-the-minute Giants news.

My wife hates spiders, by the way. So does Glenallen Hill. If either of them found out about this one, I think they would freak out.

The spiders are spying on us!

I'll be in the basement again. Someone bring me another case of Raid, quick.

Jefferson 8:53 AM

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

 

Order In The Court

It is difficult to compose honest, rational dispatches about the Giants this year. The other night some cable channel was showing "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." You know the movie. It's the one where people are replaced by pods, alien exact duplicates who take over the joint. You can tell they're pods because they're just not right.

You know where I'm going with this. I don't think it's too paranoid to look for pods in the dark recesses of SBC Park. For God's sake, take the blinders off and look at the evidence:

Mike Matheny 252/312/441 with 5 HR
Edgardo Alfonzo 323/394/432
Pedro Feliz 287/331/491

Matt Herges 3.44 ERA
Tyler Walker 3.43 ERA, 7 saves
Jeff Fassero 3.41 ERA
Kirk Rueter 4.25 ERA with a 1.53 K/9!
Jim Brower with a 6.52 ERA??

None of this makes any damn sense at all. We know what these players are supposed to do. We have teams of scientists who produce incredibly accurate forecasts, year after year. There is no scientific or rational explanation here.

There is evidence that I am right. People have discussed the possibility of an alien inhabiting J.T. Snow's body for two years now. Someone, or some force--I have referred to it as "The Grim Reaper"--is intent on keeping this team from taking the field. I now suspect "The Grim Reaper" is actually a desperate human patriot who knows about the pods, and is taking drastic measures to stop them. Doesn't the fire in the Fox Sports truck on Opening Day make sudden sense now? And Bonds' "infection?" And what did those "Gigantes" uniforms really mean?

Let's not talk about Kuiper's goatee. We all know what that signified.

It is decision time for Giants fans. Do you pull for this group to win this division? They can do it, especially if Bonds comes out. Or do you fear the consequences? If they are alien pod people, and they win, the consequences would be unimaginable. We would have riots and hysteria in San Francisco, the likes of which we haven't seen since 1981.

I'm old enough to remember that. I'll be in my bunker. Knock three times so I know it's you; the door is rigged to explode otherwise.

Jefferson 12:16 PM

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Friday, May 13, 2005

 

Oh, All Right...

...I'll look at the goddamned bright side. Maybe you'll stop crying and snivelling, at least for a few minutes. I could use the peace and quiet.

I can read the standings just fine, okay? Three games out in May ain't that bad. I'll admit it. Even though the team is doing a damn good impression of Anakin Skywalker after his duel with Obi-Wan Kenobi, three games back is a good place to be. Remember, the Giants started last year with a sickening 16-24 record. This year, they're already 17-17, so they're one up on that sad crew.

Even the injuries are getting better. The last injury was to Al Levine. No, I don't know who the hell he is either. Apparently he has pitched in 5 games, and was welcomed heartily by the opposing batters each time. He is said to have suffered a strained neck. I presumed he strained it watching the runners circle the bases from the pitching mound.

Overall, this is an improvement. The Grim Reaper is obviously running out of bullets. Instead of terminal knee cancer, or spontaneously combusting hamstrings, the Reaper is now inflicting strained necks and tummy aches (to J.T. Snow). Also, his aim is getting very shaky. In recent days, he has taken out Rich Aurilia and Felix Rodriguez. They are not even on the team anymore. In a best-case scenario, the Reaper will keep shooting wildly and knock out Russ Ortiz, Sean Estes, Jeff Kent and Neifi Perez. More likely, he'll just get tired and take a rest.

Either way, things are looking up.

Jefferson 12:59 PM

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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

 

Taking The Hint

Baseball is a tough sport. It takes a lot of guys to win the 90 or 100 games you need to get anywhere each year. It takes a lot of talented guys. Talented guys who aren't hurt.

The Giants are running out of those kinds of guys real fast.

The team is now missing its top hitter, its top reliever, and now its top starting pitcher. I think someone is trying to tell us all something. Maybe we should start taking the hint, before that someone takes out our best announcer or our best garlic fries vendor next.

This news should not have surprised me as much as it did. Jason Schmidt has been throwing like an injured pitcher all year. I should have been expecting it. In fact, I was expecting it. But I was still surprised. Baseball will do that to you. It makes you believe in fairy tales, the goodness of mankind and gas prices below two dollars per.

It is our happy juice, at least until the entire damn team stops showing up because they're in full body casts.

Jefferson 3:18 PM

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Thursday, May 05, 2005

 

The Food Is Bad, But There Is Plenty Of It

The San Francisco Giants played their twenty-seventh game of the season yesterday. Twenty-seven games comprises exactly one-sixth of a baseball season. That is a good enough excuse to assess the team's season thus far.

Going into this season, the conventional wisdom on the team included the following:

* The starting pitching staff would be better in 2005.
* The bullpen would be better, if only because of Benitez.
* The offense, in the absence of Barry Bonds, would stink to high heaven.
* Barry Bonds would return, and then everything would be all right.

The conventional wisdom is an ass.

The starting pitchers have ERAs of 3.76, 4.89, 4.96, 5.60 and 6.48. If those were on the Richter scale, people would be dead, crushed by fallen masonry and torn apart by shattered glass. Instead, the damage is to the standings. The starters are a collective 6 and 11. Jerome Williams has been shipped in a duffel bag to Fresno, and Jason Schmidt has issued a $100,000 reward for the location of his fastball. Brett Tomko is brilliant until he makes a mistake. Then his fragile psyche crumbles, along with his abilities.

The bullpen has been either a complete joke, or completely brilliant. However, Benitez is gone. The rest of the bullpen is scurrying to find their new place, as bugs do when you turn over a rock. Felipe Alou is hoping that Jim Brower will be the new Benitez, but it seems more likely that he might be the new Matt Herges.

The offense has been a pleasant surprise. Edgardo Alfonzo, J.T. Snow, Lance Niekro, Jason Ellison, Pedro Feliz, and Omar Vizquel are all hitting well, and hitting often. Even without SuperBarry, the Giants lead the National League in on-base percentage, runs scored, OPS, hits, and knee surgeries. This is true despite the horrible starts by Moises Alou, Marquis Grissom, and Ray Durham. If the starting pitching had lived up to expectations, the Giants would be one of the best teams in all of baseball, even without Bonds. With Bonds, and with good starting pitching, they would be gods.

Bonds probably isn't coming back. His story is rapidly turning into a bad sequel to the Robb Nen movie. Today comes word that Barry's doctor is as professionally troubled as Bonds is. (Thanks to El Lefty Malo for finding this article.) For all we know, the doctor botched the first two operations, and we won't know about the third for a while. Even if everything is on the up and up, you can't operate on one 40-year-old knee three times in four months and expect good things. Brave Giants fans, face the future and prepare yourself for Bonds not to be in it, ever.

So here we are, lost somewhere in the outskirts of third place. Our map is wrong and the batteries in the flashlight are crapping out. We've sent out search parties to look for a way out. If we're lucky, one of them might not be eaten by Tommy Lasorda and report back.

Jefferson 3:08 PM

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