Thursday, May 26, 2005

 

Order In The Court

It is difficult to compose honest, rational dispatches about the Giants this year. The other night some cable channel was showing "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." You know the movie. It's the one where people are replaced by pods, alien exact duplicates who take over the joint. You can tell they're pods because they're just not right.

You know where I'm going with this. I don't think it's too paranoid to look for pods in the dark recesses of SBC Park. For God's sake, take the blinders off and look at the evidence:

Mike Matheny 252/312/441 with 5 HR
Edgardo Alfonzo 323/394/432
Pedro Feliz 287/331/491

Matt Herges 3.44 ERA
Tyler Walker 3.43 ERA, 7 saves
Jeff Fassero 3.41 ERA
Kirk Rueter 4.25 ERA with a 1.53 K/9!
Jim Brower with a 6.52 ERA??

None of this makes any damn sense at all. We know what these players are supposed to do. We have teams of scientists who produce incredibly accurate forecasts, year after year. There is no scientific or rational explanation here.

There is evidence that I am right. People have discussed the possibility of an alien inhabiting J.T. Snow's body for two years now. Someone, or some force--I have referred to it as "The Grim Reaper"--is intent on keeping this team from taking the field. I now suspect "The Grim Reaper" is actually a desperate human patriot who knows about the pods, and is taking drastic measures to stop them. Doesn't the fire in the Fox Sports truck on Opening Day make sudden sense now? And Bonds' "infection?" And what did those "Gigantes" uniforms really mean?

Let's not talk about Kuiper's goatee. We all know what that signified.

It is decision time for Giants fans. Do you pull for this group to win this division? They can do it, especially if Bonds comes out. Or do you fear the consequences? If they are alien pod people, and they win, the consequences would be unimaginable. We would have riots and hysteria in San Francisco, the likes of which we haven't seen since 1981.

I'm old enough to remember that. I'll be in my bunker. Knock three times so I know it's you; the door is rigged to explode otherwise.

Jefferson 12:16 PM

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