Wednesday, April 27, 2005

 

Hammin' It Up

I'm beginning to think that some power has it in for the Giants. Last night was a classic example of a Pyrrhic victory. The Giants got to add one to the number under "W" in the papers, but on the other hand, they added one to the disabled list too. Benitez pulled a hamstring, and is gone for at least 15 days.

Everyone has been afraid that too many Giants would end up on the disabled list. Now our fears are all coming true. First, the warranty on Barry Bonds' knees ran out. Since he's a 1964 Bonds, spare parts are pretty hard to find. The "pick your part" facilities for knees are strictly underground, and you have to have really good connections to get in. Since the feds have been rolling up Bonds' connections recently, I assume he doesn't have an in at the moment.

Moises Alou went down with a bad calf. He does this regularly every April. I can only assume that it is the result of an old war wound. Some very secret and very expensive pesticide, used only on major league ballfields, irritates the wound and causes it to inflame. Then his antibodies build up, and he's okay again. It is very odd, and deserves further investigation.

Now Benitez has blown out his right hamstring jogging from the pitcher's mound to first base. This is not a surprise. A man with his build should not be running anywhere. His doctors should limit him to a brisk walk, and prescribe a golf cart for long distances. Asking him to run is just stretching too many laws of engineering, not to mention fragile hamstrings.

I find all of this to be very suspicious. We should be calling for Tommy Lasorda's home and office to be searched by the authorities. Any evidence of voodoo, black magic, or SlimFast should be seized. It's more likely that any foul play is being performed by highly paid third parties, though. Lasorda is a smart man, and he will cover his tracks.

These are dark days for those of us who follow the Giants. The threat of Matt Herges closing out games again is rising. The threat of Barry Bonds taking the field again is falling. Ticket prices are up, attendance is down, and Duane Kuiper has grown a goatee. If that is not a sign that the devil has it in for us, then I don't know what is.

Jefferson 12:21 PM

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